And I don't really know what to say.
I read an older post I put up here.
It was from when I was living in England, just out of high school and clearly naive.
I wish I could say I have learned a lot (or anything) about love and relationships since then (or life in general for that matter), but I'm not in the mood right now to lie to you.
I have days (I'm sure like anyone else) when I feel like I'm Gods gift to all women and men looking for advice in their lives. I feel like I could drip golden nuggets of wisdom out of my mouth, and the world would listen, not sure whether to cry or laugh at how simple and ingenious my advice is. Those are the days when I am surprised at my age. Those are the days when I turn inward and tell my self "take your own advice!"
Then there are the other days. There are the days when I want to curl up into a little ball, and complain to my mom until she magically makes it all better. Those are the days I want to scream out loud to release my inner turmoil and I want to lash out and hit the nearest thing, be it a wall or a person.
I don't scream though. I don't scream out loud. I don't hit a wall, or a person. I do cuss though. I've been know to (if you'll excuse the stereotypical term) swear like a sailor.
My pain is not that bad. There are those days, when I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a black hole. I am falling into the abyss, and suddenly I hit the bottom of the well. I don't mean for this to sound negative. I don't mean to imply that I hit rock bottom. I mean only that I know there is bedrock to my despair. Once you find the bottom you can start climbing back up. The wall will be slippery and you may fall back to the bottom again, but at least you know, when you're falling for the second, third, or one hundredth time, that the bottom is there. It's not an endless pit. There is a limit to the pain I will suffer through.
I don't want to sound contrived, but there are starving orphans in Africa. There is famine and war. There are corrupt governments. There are liars; cheaters and stealers. There are thieves, murderers and rapists in the world. They can single handily tip the balance of any perfect life. So when I hit the bottom of my own personal well, and I realize there are people worse off then me, and I can either feel sorry for myself and my own personal woes, or I can get off my ass, scream a little for good luck, hit a wall for good measure and do something about it.
I would never make light of Clinical Depression, or any other kind of major depressive disorder, having seen people close to me go though it, but I don't have that and I won't ever let my self fall into the trap of diagnosing myself.
While we're at it, I do not have restless leg syndrome, vertigo or a hypersensitivity to pollen, pets or dander.
Life is not that bad. You have your good days, when it feels like you regurgitating precious metals and jewels every time you speak (figuratively of course, referring only to "Diamonds and Toads"), and then there are the days you want to turn around and look at your self in the mirror and take your own advice. On those days the pure sight of yourself makes your head spin (like vertigo perhaps) and you feel like the anger and pain is oozing out of your pores (somewhat reminiscent of hives, or some other kinds of 'allergic' reaction).
If I can impart, convey or divulge any form of advice to you, it's this:
" Life is not that bad, your drama is not the worst, nor is it the most pathetic. You will never know all the answers. You will never ask all the questions. You will find the bottom of your despair and gain a platform from which to climb. Your ego will be built up and broken. You will be good at some things, and suck at other things. 'Growing-Up' never gets easier, nor does it ever end. And remember, when in doubt, there's vodka on the counter, ice-cream in the freezer and a friend on the other end of the phone."
PS. I feel I have to update the sidebar. Stay Tuned.